R.E.N.T

Recently i have been watching the movie Rent alot and can recite the whole movie if i wanted to. i can honestly say that it is my favorite movie.
i watch it over and over again and never get tired of the movie. lol
 i sing the songs all the time and annoy my mom with the repetitive tunes. haha


i want to go to NY just to see RENT on Broadway. its one of my goals and hopefully get their autographs!! i would love that. i know the movie actors arent the same as the Broadway actors but they still play the same character.


well its christmas so in the words of Tom Collins " Merry Christmas Bitches"  XD

A not so Merry Christmas to me...

So this year wasn't the best year. actually 2011 was the worst year EVER. DIVORCE, FIGHTING. Thanksgiving wasn't all that great, it was decent. now Christmas is becoming my most disliked holiday. 


My family is officially falling apart seeing as i am no longer welcome into my grandmas house. and my dad is not sharing christmas with me and my brother. we have no money for presents this year because its all going to RENT and BILLS plus its even worse because daddy isnt helping at ALL!!!!

im spending christmas with my best friend alissa and new years with her and my mom didnt care one bit. mostly because she knows what we are going though, she wants me to have a good christmas and knows i will with alissa but i dont know. i just saw alissas family and was opening presents with them, eating dinner with them at a full long table and i could..just...FEEL the love in the house it was soo overwhelming that i couldnt hold back my tears. knowing that my family will never be quite like that again. not happy but full and loving. just that feeling that you know you have it all not by the presents on that day but the people you spend it with. i loved that feeling.
and now i don't have it, it may seem like i do and my family may say "Amanda, your family loves you" but its all about do i feel it. and i don't anymore.

Im Tired...

i knew what was going to happen but i didn't know it would become this hard. divorce for a 17 year old you think would be easy seeing as its easier for them to understand but no not really.my 13 year old bother also has got to go through this divorce with our parents also but is taking a different view of things...


seeing as he is a boy he is always with his father and sees MOM as the bad guy because that is what DAD makes her out to be... with all of the things he has to say about her. 

but on the other hand some of it is true. THEN you have MOM talking about DAD and its not very nice saying things that really piss me off. but like i said its not like shes lying. so both ends are saying the truth but then again the truth can sting.

and there is also a point where my DAD should keep his mouth shut. so because he cant do that my mother, my brother and i are no longer welcome at my grandmas house...not even for Christmas.

then you have the money issues and child support.
daddy doesn't want to pay for SHIT and lies mostly about having money because he doesn't like to give it to her, and mom is working and doing everything she can to pay the rent, bills and get food. we are living off of food stamps for now. but shes only working at Target and she gets paid very little every two weeks. :/ its not that easy. 

oh but its not even the best part, i just LOOOVVEE when they decide to fight and make a scene outside and start to yell. and it just makes my night when the COPS are threatened to be called. i love it. this could all be avoided if they acted like adults




i don't like to cry but its all i have done lately..i don't know what to do anymore. i just want things back to the way they used to be.

Whats Happening

I DID realize what was going on, i didnt realize you would take it this far. i DID realize you were having fun, but i didnt realize that by fun you ment hurting your loved ones.so now i know, i know what to expect now, i know that things will never be the same again, i know that i will have to make choices i dont want to, and i know that im going to watch my family fall apart piece by little piece.

we used to be strong and independent! you used to say nothing will ever happen but now all i see and feel is sadnesss and hatred....all i hear is yelling and crying and all see is fighting...

i feel better isolated in my room not interacting with the world because i know that what i will be told and what i will see will only make things worse not better.

my dreams are finally better than reality..but its funny that everyone says that, and its also funny how i used to say the total opposite. but now i guess im like everyone else, saying what other people say. our family is just another example of whatFAMILIES arent supposed to be. now a days familys never stay together. I love You means nothing,and a ring is just..well a ring.

so i guess i have to get used to this new life...

the truth?

ok its been a while since that last post. then i was happier then ever and i asked for my heart not to be broken....its not...but its bruised, my feelings are hurt and i tried to go thru something i thought i would succed in....i didnt fail but....i just didnt get as far as i thought i would. its ok because if u cannot give me the time of day then whats the point in trying..im not gonna waste my time on something usless that could possibly end in tears.its ok..because you can pick other people over me like you always do..

go be immature and childish with others that actually care,i wish that you would have told me how you really feel because i would rather not hear itt from my sister. i would rather hear it from you...be a man and tell me to my face and if you cant do that then it just proves how much of a man you truley are! thank you for opening my eyes a little more so that i could see that i dont have to waste my firsts on you.

thank you

sincerely me :)

I HAVE NO WORDS!

IM SO EXCITED I JUST WANT TO SCREAM!

you actually hugged me for like more than 5 seconds

i know that sounds extremely childish but its just how i feel

its been a couple of years and you look better than i expected

i find it hard to believe that you actually LIKE me

i go through the facts in my head and try to find a solution to all of this but i just cant

you actually LIKE me.

and i like you back

please dont break my heart....